It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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