Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
3 2 1 whiskey
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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