So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
did i just pee glitter
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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