The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
