Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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