I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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