i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
