I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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