there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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