i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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