Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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