the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
