Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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