My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
