I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just found puke in my bra..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
