i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
