Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
