My room smells like vodka and shame
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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