Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
