then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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