also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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