She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
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