I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
