The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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