I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
