the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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