Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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