Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
