distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
