He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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