Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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