He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
