Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
