Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
