Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
