and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
