If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
