I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
