You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
