So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
