No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
