she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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