i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
