I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
