just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Let's get the cat blown out
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
