Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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