there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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