I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
