I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
