Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
