What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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