The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
