I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Boobs speak an international language.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
