Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
