the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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