she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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