I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
