Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
honey bunches of taint.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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